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I Dreamed Of YOU

I dreamed of a tall, sensitive guy that would actually talk to me.

I dreamed of someone that would make me laugh, stand up for me, and make me a priority.

I dreamed of someone who was not embarrassed to introduce me to their friends and would take me places.

I dreamed of someone who would hold my hand affectionately in public.

I dreamed of someone that would give me adventure, take me on trips, enjoy spending time outdoors, and would look for fun things to do around town.

I dreamed of someone that would call me during the day just because.

I dreamed of a respectful, compassionate person.

I dreamed of someone that was interested in me and would support anything I did.

I dreamed of someone to carry me through difficult times, walk beside me, behind me, or in front of me when necessary.


I remember describing the perfect man to a friend and after all my criteria was named, that friend said YOU were my perfect man. But, I already knew that.

So, on the eve of our little girl's arrival, you must know that you are all of that and so much more. As I've told you before, my life did not truly begin until I met you and I thank you for saving me.

I dreamed of you and you are mine. I can't wait to start our new life together as parents of a sweet baby girl.

This Post Brought To You By The Number FIVE

Top Priorities Left:

1. Wash guest bedroom sheets for grandparents.
2. Find a kitchen cabinet for all her business.
3. Final grocery run.
4. Clean out my car.
5. Pedicure (because these digits look busted).

FIVE DAYS.

NINE

So many things to do...so little time...rest being the priority.

Nine days until Kallie makes her appearance.

These sharp, stabbing, electric, no warning, split you down the middle pains of your cervix changing are for the birds.

I'll take the spinal block now, thank you.

Showered With Love x 2 Again

My sweet class gave us a baby shower complete with yellow ducks everywhere. Pictures are few as I will not post faces of my children. However, we all had a blast and things were out of control, let me assure you! Thursday is my last day with these little ones and I am READY!

We also had a shower with the awesome families at My Babe's fire station. I adore each one of them and had so much fun. The food was wonderful and just hanging out with everyone was perfect. Pictures are few here as well due to privacy, but the wonderful photographer, CT, always does an amazing job capturing the essence of each event.

Making Peace With Myself

Newsflash To Self: This is not a contest.

I am .5 inches from being okay with starting maternity leave on April 10th. Originally, I hoped to make it to April 18th. However, I'm worn down and nights are difficult. I need to mentally prepare as my head is not in this game quite yet. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for Kallie to make her appearance, but I still have things to do and a husband to love on before two become three.

I toss and turn this concept through my head all day long. It sounds a little like this: Guilt...acceptance...guilt...who cares what others think...guilt...I deserve this considering our realm of loss...guilt...you're a fighter, keep going...guilt...take time for yourself. However, I'm ending quite often on the "take care of yourself" note. Especially since today was the due date for my sweet babies, Kinsey & Ryan. We've been through A LOT the last few years and it's high time I respect that.

My deadline is Friday as I am going to send home a note to the parents regarding maternity leave. For now, I'll keep turning it over in my head until that magic little Genie inside my stubborn noggin finally says, "Permission to take care of yourself...granted." And he's .5 inches away from saying it.

A Bright Ending To The Day

Thank you, Secret Admirer, for my favorite flowers adorning my porch and making me SMILE this afternoon. They are beautiful and changed my foul mood quickly!

Jimmy Crack Corn

And, you guessed it.

I don't really freaking care.

Kuddos to the ones that can feel great, look great, exercise, speak kind words, give a crap about what they wear, breathe, eat without wanting to spew, walk around without fire inside of them, clean their houses, and smile during the last weeks of pregnancy. Clearly, I am not one of them.

I can't even say the Pledge of Allegiance in the morning without becoming winded with each sentence. And now that we say the Pledge to the Texas flag, I'm really screwed. Read a book to the kids? Ha! That's a good one...pointing out the craft of writing within high quality literature is far from my daily agenda.

Walking down the hallway is about to require a Hoveround. The question is, how far do I take this? How far do I push my 4'11" frame to keep working when I am crawling to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

I want to work as long as possible to have more time with her once she's here. So, I've got to stop whining.
Be grateful - although, trust me, I am with every breath of fire.
Three weeks left of work.
Suck it up.

Don't Let the Mother Burn

Dear Body,

I'm not certain that you realize this so I will glady bring it directly to your attention.

There is a burn ban in effect in surrounding counties. Although our immediate area lifted their burn ban just days ago, your potential fire will still create havoc if it is not squelched quickly. Quite frankly, there is enough fire within my chest to light the entire state of Texas and burn every living and nonliving thing in its path.

Doesn't it concern you that our home backs up to a heavily wooded ranch? Do you think living with a firefighter gives you permission to torment me with a 24/7 raging burn? Is it okay to continue hurling food up my esophogus just for giggles?
No more, I say.

Spring began at 12:48am yesterday and while it typically brings rain highly capable of dousing a roaring bonfire to these parts of Texas, a torrential downpour near your awesome powers would be equivalent to spitting in Hell and expecting dramatic results immediately.

This is really getting old and I respectfully request you extinguish this blaze permanently as I have dealt with your nasty ways for the past 19 weeks...and that is a long damn time, I tell you. I have 5 weeks left and a little reprieve would be just freaking awesome.

And while you're at it, getting over yourself and all, talk to my hips too. Mmmm, k?

Respectfully but VERY seriously,

The Landlord

Certainly Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Scene: The front porch chaos during school dismissal


Sweet 2nd Grader: "Mrs. V. are you going to have a baby?"

Me: "Yes."

Sweet 2nd Grader (without missing a beat): "I hope your baby doesn't die."

Me (pausing slightly): "Honey...me too."

Sweet 2nd Grader: "Bye!"


So matter of fact and so true.
33 weeks today and the c-section is scheduled.
Please let this happen because I'm not sure I could do this again if it didn't.

Seriously?

It's getting tempting to be rude to people like this. However, it's not worth it...


W.Foods Checker: "When is your baby due?"

Me: "In May, but not soon enough."

W.Foods Checker: "Oh, don't talk to me about that. That's nonsense."

Me: "I mean I just want her out safely."

W.Foods Checker: "Well, I have four boys. I breastfed one of them while pregnant with twins. Then, when the twins came, I breastfed all three of them at once. And, they were 6 pounds each. What you've got going on there (pointing to my belly) is nothing. You don't know how hard it is until you carry twins to full term."

Me: "Yes, that is certainly commendable."

Showered With Love x 2

My team, my heart and soul at work, gave us the most amazing shower at school last week. Every detail was perfect from the individually floral taped Gerber Daisies, the cake that matched Kallie's bedding, to the "to die for" punch. A slideshow and song, set to Kallie's nursery theme, played while guests were arriving. I can't wait to light Kallie's candle that sat by the guest book, along with the little tiny shoes and a poem. My sweet team thoughtfully signed messages from the heart in Kallie's Twelve Gifts of Birth book. And, most of all, the company was perfect.

My high school (and elementary school!) friends also gave me the most creative shower with thoughtful touches at every turn on Saturday. I was greeted with a pink fuzzy "Mommy" embroidered robe with matching slippers (flip flops, yeah!) and very soon the house was transformed into a spa. Students from a local beauty school came and treated us to manicures and pedicures of our choice. The cake was a perfect match with Kallie's bedding, the flowers were beautifully arranged and fragrant, and I am still craving Creme Brulee french toast after tasting the yummy food (complete with a chocolate fountain!). A beautifully framed picture we had not even seen yet of My Babe's hands and my hands around my belly sat in the entry way. And, Kallie will forever read the framed quotes of my sweet friends that wrote why My Babe and I would make good parents. It was amazing.

No Horns

Thank goodness for that.

Random Bad vs. Good of Today

Bad: This morning started with nausea. Yes, thank you third trimester.

Good: My nausea allowed me to eat a little bit for breakfast and a pretty big lunch.


Bad: While blow drying my curly hair straight, my beloved Chi hair dryer exploded. I do not write explosion lightly.

Good: I've been needing a new hair dryer and now I have no choice but to get one.


Bad: My belly button hurts and is sticking out profusely.

Good: We all had a good laugh when one of the kids said (pointing to my belly button), "I think I see the baby's toe sticking out right there."


Bad: In a nauseated blur, I waited for 2 hours and 15 minutes for my dr. to see me for my 30 week appt.

Good: Everything looks great.


Bad: My Babe saw a turtle trying to cross Hwy 620, a very busy road by our house, and witnessed cars driving over him.

Good: My Babe got out of his truck, rescued him from danger, drove to Brushy Creek and let him go. That's just the way he is.


Bad: On the way home tonight, police were trying to convince a man to come back over the bridge that he was threatening to jump off.

Good: I was reminded of the blessings in my life and took time to pray for his safety and soul.


Bad: My Babe worked overtime today at the fire station.

Good: He is actually getting to come home tonight rather than spend the night at the station. And that makes up for all the bad in the world tonight.

Sleep Won't Hardly Come

Sleep is a silly thing to request these days. I feel as if I have hip dysplasia, I have to sleep in an almost sitting position to avoid puking up my food all night, my whole body aches and burns, my varicose veins hurt like a beast, and I can't breathe worth snot.

However, all over the world right now, people can't sleep at night.

Many have just lost a child, a husband, a mother or father, a loved one near and dear to their hearts. Some are going through the despair of divorce. Others are dealing with a terminal illness and pain that no medication or delivery date can fix. Many don't have a cozy bed and covers to wrap in. Some don't have a support system of friends to carry them through. Husbands and wives are far from their families at war. A great deal will never be able to have children. All of these people can't turn away from the worry and sleep is a dreaded nightly event.

As sleep eludes me at night, I think of these people. I think of just how lucky I am to have a strong marriage, a healthy baby girl still growing, loved ones safe and sound, a cozy home, and temporary discomfort. I pray for them to find sleep.

But as darkness fades, I easily forget to count my blessings and instead revert back to feeling grumpy, irritated, cheated, and abused from all of these pregnancies and recurrent losses. Pain overcomes my mind and I forget how brief it really is in the grand scheme of life. How soon this will all fade and a new kind of sleepless night will take over.

I pray I will carry my blessings throughout the day. I pray that I will find strength like I used to have years ago to continue to endure pain. I pray I will not complain as much and will find peace with the past. I pray for those that have it far worse than I could ever imagine.

For all these things I pray each night when sleep won't hardly come.

26.2

Miles, that is.

My Babe ran his first marathon today like a first class champ. It was super fun and I'm excited already for the next one.

To top it off, we arrived home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the front porch from an unknown giver. They smell Heavenly and look that way too - thank you Secret Admirer!

Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

From the Kitchen of MKV

Ingredients:

Adventure
Affection
Commitment
Compassion
Faith
Happiness
Hope
Hugs & Kisses
Kindness
Laughter
Respect
Trust
Unconditional Love

Find a tall, dark, handsome, athletic, caring, smart guy. Make sure his name is TAV. Marry him quickly before he gets away. Let him be adventurous. Laugh, hug and kiss daily. Trust him in everything he does and have hope and faith the world will keep him safe. Respect him amazing work ethic and commitment to his family. Show affection, kindness, and compassion toward him in everything he does. Love him unconditionally. Enjoy a lifetime of happiness together.

I love you babe, you are my everything. Happy Valentine's Day...

28...The Sweetest Number

28 Weeks today, our ultimate goal.

Her name is Kallie Zane.

Feeling Just a Wee Bit TRAPPED.

For the better part of three years I've been growing humans #1-5...at a profoundly unsuccessful rate...or at least until now. To say that I feel limited, maxed out, abnormal, and pretty much done would be a gross understatement. I am thankful each and every second for a healthy baby girl measuring perfectly at 27 weeks, for not having to be on bed rest, for feeling pretty good, and for the possibility that this really might work.

But, let's be real now.

I'm weary. I'm tired of being a doctor's science experiment. My body doesn't know which way is up anymore (except for my faithful reflux/heartburn friend) and it certainly hasn't had enough recovery time between pregnancies to even begin to try to go back to "normal." Being that I have the pastiest of pasty white skin, I will never be able to wear shorts in public again unless I spend the outrageous amount of money to fix them. It looks like someone has punched me in multiple places and then completed a dot-to-dot picture between punches. And, my varicose veins...yeah...let's just stop there.

I feel trapped. Trapped inside my freakish mind. Trapped inside my classroom. Trapped inside a pregnant body that is not allowed to exercise. Trapped because this is the last weekend I am allowed to travel.

And, while I am not silly and know this is not permanent, I am feeling a great deal of anxiety over the permanent change that will soon come to my dream come true marriage. I want to protect it. I want to spend every moment possible nurturing it before we're blindsided by lack of sleep. I want to keep it sacred and I've spent a good deal of time researching books on how to "prepare" your marriage for the arrival of a baby. Which, really, is hysterical since experience is the only way to learn this one.

I am anxious and tired of the physical sacrifices, the restrictions and limitations, the doctor's visits and the trapped feeling. But, I must remind myself often that I will make it. The light is beginning to show at the end of the long, long, scary tunnel. I will crawl through the tunnel soon, and while life will look completely different, I will settle into a groove. My marriage will survive and remain strong through lots of hard work and forgiveness. And, very soon, I will no longer feel trapped.

Lesson Learned: Don't Get Too Comfortable

25 Weeks, 3 Days

Just when you think everything is going great. Just when you think you might actually make it to the dream come true. Just when you think you can enjoy every moment. Just when you think you are feeling pretty darn good...you get a reminder that there is still so much that can go wrong. So many hurdles to leap, so many bridges of fire to cross, and a little voice in my head repeating, "Don't get too comfortable."

Thursday night was an uncomfortable night. The feeling that your belly might explode with every breath isn't great. And, sweet baby girl was not active as she normally is. No movement Friday morning, which is not at all the way our mornings usually go. My belly was cramping and I just didn't feel good. So, at 9:30am I decide to drink a Coke in hopes of jolting her awake, as I never have them. One hour passes and no movement. I'm slowly becoming more sick to my stomach and finally break down.

So, I did what I have never done in 9 years of teaching. I got the first person that walked into my room to cover the class, left the room, never told the kids "goodbye", never looked twice to see what confidential papers were on my desk, never lifted a finger to get something together for a sub, and never stopped by the office on my way out.

Dr. S. got us in quickly and, of course, everything checked out fine.

However, for once, I was validated and received an explanation. Baby Girl and her "long legs" decided to do a ginormous fruit basket turn-over move and wore herself out / beat up my insides. And...a possible bladder infection to boot.

And while things are a little better today and she is moving as much as she can being in such a bad position, I've been knocked back down a few notches. Reminded again not to get too comfortable. Reminded that there is still a long way to go. Reminded not to take one single second of this pregnancy for granted. How easy it is to forget sometimes.

Lesson learned.