Sunday, December 16, 2007

All Is Calm...And Uncomfortable

Comfort is overrated during pregnancy. And, hey, I can deal with that. As long as my discomfort is truly, without a doubt, normal. And then there is trust. I'm finding it hard to trust any medical professional considering I trusted whole-heartedly with Kinsey and Ryan, and paid the highest price possible.

I will be 20 weeks on Wednesday and entering the danger zone in my mind. Our 20 week appointment with Kinsey and Ryan could have possibly saved their lives. It would have definitely bought us time had Dr. Jerk pulled his head out of his butt and taken notice. This pregnancy has patterned itself so closely with the pregnancy I had with Kinsey and Ryan and it freaks me out. My nausea (for the most part) stopped at 17 weeks only to be replaced by pressure. Now, the intense back pain just like before. I huff and puff like a race horse when walking up stairs or exerting any energy, my heart might pound right out of my chest, and I have varicose veins that will rival a 1/4" PVC pipe. Doctors say the difference this time is that I have a gigantic stitch holding this sweet baby girl in, but I'm scared of what my body will concoct next. And, can they be trusted?

My silence is from swirling thoughts in my head that make no coherent sense. I go from excitement to panic in a matter of seconds. I have a lot to say but would be committed if I said it out loud. I want to be knocked out and wake up at 28 weeks. Then, have a celebration and be knocked out again until she is in my arms. Not because I can't take the physical pain, but because I am fragile, weak and emotionally frail. I've fallen in love with her and don't want to give her up. I've allowed myself to enter Target's baby section on several occasions (only for about 5 minutes) and even stupid Pottery Barn Kids yesterday (only for 2 minutes). I actually read flipped quickly through a Parents magazine instead of tossing it in the baby's room like I have for the past 2 years. (Very big stack, I tell you. Never again will I subscribed to anything baby for 2 damn years when I am only 10 weeks pregnant. Idiot.)

Now, enough of that boys and girls...let's be positive!

I do take heart in the fact that even though I am uncomfortable and it is the same kind of uncomfortable as before, I am certainly not as uncomfortable as I was with the twins. And, I've found a nifty and very sexy contraption that allows me to walk upright (I ask a lot, huh?) without the pressure. Dr. S. will be doing the fFN test just for giggles and extra assurance starting on Monday. I will be monitored every 2weeks from here on and will have an ultrasound to check my cervix each time. I've been told that I may stop working as soon as I am ready, which sure beats the hell out of having to break Dr. Jerk's arm just to put me on half days. I know I am in better hands this time, and I am trying with all my might to relax. And relax I will do...just as soon as someone knocks me out. Any takers?

10 comments:

BellaMama said...

All pregnancy have their sames and differences. This IS a different baby, pregnancy and even you. Do all you can that you should and you just haveta leave the rest to God!
I'm sooo glad that your docs know what they're doing!! Don't feel bad, when you think it's time to stop working...don't overdo it!!
So many prayers for you, your hubby and your baby!! Mrs. C.

Monica H said...

That is a sexy contraption, I wish I had one. No, seriously I wish I did (maybe next time).

I can completely relate to the discomfort, and the doubt that plagues your mind. I have a hard time trusting in them (the docs), because I've heard it all before.
I hope and pray that you will not have to be knocked out, but that the pregnancy and you and the baby will be okay.

((hugs))

~Monica

Amy said...

I have been reading your blog and aching for your pregnancy to be normal. I had a baby girl 10 days ago and was in the care of my OB as well as Dr B. the peri. I know it is hard but trust you are in good hands. I had a kidney transplant 4 years ago and was told I could never have children. Now I have a beautiful baby girl in my arms. Please stay positive and we will all keep praying for you. Amy

Anonymous said...

Thanks for keeping us posted. We'll keep right on praying til baby girl goes home with you.

Kim said...

Have you decided whether or not to go back after Christmas? When are you due again? I think you should just start leave at the end of this semester. :) But then again, I am (sadly) not paying your bills. I'm barely paying mine. But I still think it's a good idea.

Yias Yias Girl said...

I am happy that Dr S seems to be taking your concerns seriously, and is as responsive as he can be and still be reassuring. I am so glad to hear that things are going well so far at this point.

Ann said...

Yes, no matter how many times your doctors reassure you, it's still hard to believe that things won't all turn to crap again. I'm praying you'll be able to find at least a little peace over the next few months.

wannabe mom said...

awww i wish i could help make you feel better. i was so uncomfortable with the twins too, cerina was nestled right between my hips and i was bloated all the time. i love that sexy contraption, does it come with rhinestones???
i'm hoping that you can find some comfort and calm, i'm sure your nerves are so frazzled. ((hugggs))

Lori said...

I am thinking good thoughts and hoping you sail past the next 12 weeks with no problems at all!!

writing a annotated bibliography said...

Surely that's the proper approach to this matter. I agree with you