Monday, December 31, 2007

Hurl Caution To The Wind, Fire, Pits of Hell

And while we're at it, let's register for baby items. Not just one registry...but two. Really? Who does that at all of 21 weeks, 5 days gestation with as much bad luck as we have encountered? Apparently me, and it started yesterday.

After a day of looking at furniture, discussing the details of the nursery, and buying primer, I decided to just "begin" a registry. I added 4-5 items and then went to sleep. If you know me well, you know my issues with registries, showers in general, etc. Well, I've changed.

My Babe left at 5:00am this morning for a "short" 9 mile run, because he is quite frankly, Superman. I tossed, turned, thought about the registry, and turned on the bedroom light at 5:32am. Downhill from there, friends. Hours later, I now have 2 registries. And, guess what, they aren't complete.

And I can't stop thinking about the baby's room. Most likely, the room will center around the traits of life found in the book, The Twelve Gifts of Birth, by Charlene Costanzo. The book uses pastel colors, but the room is going to be bright pink(!), bright green, and red. The focus will be the traits displayed around the room and in the built-in shelves My Babe is going to concoct.

My mind is frantic. Like there's an urgency, a fire, an emergency that must be mitigated right NOW. I can't wait to carry her around the room and tell her the meaning of each trait. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and, hell, maybe even sing to her. I just can't wait.

Caution has left this house.

Friday, December 28, 2007


Maternity clothes are the only clothes in my closet. We're discussing the nursery and going to start working on it this weekend. We've started researching cribs, car seats, and bedding. I smile when she kicks and My Babe has felt her. We've narrowed down names. When people ask me about the baby I can finally feel and express a little bit of excitement. Our 21 week sonogram was great and my cervix is cooperating for once. My fFn test was negative and I'm actually feeling pretty good. I've had several dreams where I've brought a live baby home. I held a newborn the other day and didn't burst into tears.

Everyone knows. There's no turning back and the stakes are very high. So much can still go wrong. However, I'm going to have a baby girl again, and this time she will come home with me. I have faith.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

She Asked For It

Scene: Before Christmas, in line to pay...let's just say, lots of people behind me. A conversation with the cashier.

Can't Keep Her Mouth Shut: "So, are you pregnant?"

Me: "Yes."

Can't Keep Her Mouth Shut: "Oh, I thought so. Because if you weren't I was gonna say, 'Girl, you better do something about that belly.'"

Me: "Ha, ha."

Can't Keep Her Mouth Shut: "How far along are you?"

Me: "20 weeks."

Can't Keep Her Mouth Shut: "Oh, you're still early. {Pause} So, why are you so big?"

Me: "Well, I am little so I pop out pretty quickly."

Can't Keep Her Mouth Shut: "Yeah, but people don't usually get that big so fast."

Me: "This is my fourth pregnancy, fifth baby, with no living children, so I show faster than normal."

Can't Keep Her Mouth Shut: "Good luck with that."

Me: "Yeah, thanks."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Laughter And Love

An evening spent with my team. An evening of relaxing, food, laughter, fun, joy and love. An evening listening to Christmas music and the beautiful sound of BMW's piano playing. An evening of teasing, jokes, gift exchanges, light-hearted conversation, and hints of deep moments too. An evening where I feel like the luckiest girl around to have such a bond with so many people at once. An evening where I can be myself, let my guard down, peek through the walls, because they will love me no matter what. An evening where I look around the room during the story telling and think there is no other place I'd rather be right now. And even though there are a few longtime team members missing, it was an evening to reflect on things of which I am thankful. The people that mean the world to me.

An evening of laughter and love...just what I needed.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

All Is Calm...And Uncomfortable

Comfort is overrated during pregnancy. And, hey, I can deal with that. As long as my discomfort is truly, without a doubt, normal. And then there is trust. I'm finding it hard to trust any medical professional considering I trusted whole-heartedly with Kinsey and Ryan, and paid the highest price possible.

I will be 20 weeks on Wednesday and entering the danger zone in my mind. Our 20 week appointment with Kinsey and Ryan could have possibly saved their lives. It would have definitely bought us time had Dr. Jerk pulled his head out of his butt and taken notice. This pregnancy has patterned itself so closely with the pregnancy I had with Kinsey and Ryan and it freaks me out. My nausea (for the most part) stopped at 17 weeks only to be replaced by pressure. Now, the intense back pain just like before. I huff and puff like a race horse when walking up stairs or exerting any energy, my heart might pound right out of my chest, and I have varicose veins that will rival a 1/4" PVC pipe. Doctors say the difference this time is that I have a gigantic stitch holding this sweet baby girl in, but I'm scared of what my body will concoct next. And, can they be trusted?

My silence is from swirling thoughts in my head that make no coherent sense. I go from excitement to panic in a matter of seconds. I have a lot to say but would be committed if I said it out loud. I want to be knocked out and wake up at 28 weeks. Then, have a celebration and be knocked out again until she is in my arms. Not because I can't take the physical pain, but because I am fragile, weak and emotionally frail. I've fallen in love with her and don't want to give her up. I've allowed myself to enter Target's baby section on several occasions (only for about 5 minutes) and even stupid Pottery Barn Kids yesterday (only for 2 minutes). I actually read flipped quickly through a Parents magazine instead of tossing it in the baby's room like I have for the past 2 years. (Very big stack, I tell you. Never again will I subscribed to anything baby for 2 damn years when I am only 10 weeks pregnant. Idiot.)

Now, enough of that boys and girls...let's be positive!

I do take heart in the fact that even though I am uncomfortable and it is the same kind of uncomfortable as before, I am certainly not as uncomfortable as I was with the twins. And, I've found a nifty and very sexy contraption that allows me to walk upright (I ask a lot, huh?) without the pressure. Dr. S. will be doing the fFN test just for giggles and extra assurance starting on Monday. I will be monitored every 2weeks from here on and will have an ultrasound to check my cervix each time. I've been told that I may stop working as soon as I am ready, which sure beats the hell out of having to break Dr. Jerk's arm just to put me on half days. I know I am in better hands this time, and I am trying with all my might to relax. And relax I will do...just as soon as someone knocks me out. Any takers?