Saturday, April 28, 2007
2. I will strengthen my legs so I can start running again. Yes, this one didn't happen in April.
3. I will take my prenatal vitamin daily like a good girl.
4. I will set a timer at the computer and then GET UP when it goes off. Seriously...I've got to get a handle on this nightly internet thing.
5. I will wake up at 6:00am. I am officially putting the alarm clock in the bathroom to force me out of bed.
6. I will eat a healthy breakfast.
Wanna place bets on #5? We all know the "Morning Melissa." I am directly setting myself up for failure.
Even though I write daily to model for my students, I've just recently started daily writing of my thoughts and emotions. Mostly to get it out of my head before it spontaneously combusts. I've struggled with being "okay" with the thoughts that I have, simply because a lot of times they are downright weird and not very pretty. However, every single person in this world has random, not pretty thoughts, and there is something great about being brave enough to get them out and, especially, to share them with others. Perhaps the most important thing he said today about writing was, "Reach back into your memory and accept what occurs to you." So, if I want to entertain the idea of writing about soap, cars, or Dr. Jerk, it's okay, because Randy said so...and he's my new BFF, you know.
I'm glad I kept my commitment today.
Baby-Making Update: My HCG was 12 and Progesterone was .5. I cannot take Provera until my HCG is 0. I will have my blood checked again on Friday and hopefully we can get this train on the right track!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Taking Provera for 10 days: $5
Starting a new cycle: $180
HSG test (hope for no scar tissue): $200
Checking for mature follicles: $300
Shot for ovulation: $90
Night of Love: FREE
More lab tests: $80
Positive Pregnancy Test: Happiness
More Lab tests: $80
Making it to 12 weeks: Sheer joy
Having a cerclage without complications: Sigh of relief
Defying an incompetent cervix and pre-term labor: Amen!
Having a healthy baby: Priceless
My Babe's genetic tests are normal. After consulting with Dr. V. today, we have decided to continue trying as we have in the past - no IVF for now. I will have my bloodwork done tomorrow to make sure my progesterone is below a level 3. If so, I will start Provera and we will be on the timeline again. I'm terrified.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Yesterday, after leaving a meeting at 5pm, I proceed to go on a shopping spree that resulted in nothing but tears, frustration, and wasted time. This shopping spree was for the video we are filming in my classroom on Thursday. Four hours later, I was home with nothing to show for it but a ball of nerves and stress. Stress because the clothes I have pre-babies don't fit, but I have no baby to hold. Stress because the clothes I bought post-baby delivery do not fit anymore...mostly because my body becomes very pregnant very fast. Does any of that matter in the grand scheme of life? Does anyone really care if I wear the same pants and shirts over and over again? Does that justify wasting four hours on shopping that results in no purchase? Of course, the answer is obvious, but not to my brain. Instead, I missed my Body Flow class, my opportunity to walk Peanut, my chance to spend time reading my book, and my nightly rituals to unwind before sleep...the things that make for a good night's sleep and keep me from hurting others the next day.
My quest for a nice physical appearance earned me nothing but a foul mood and a lot of wasted time. Maybe I'll remember this again when I ask myself, "What am I doing with my time?"
Thursday, April 19, 2007
After our latest baby loss, my sweet team...and our 2 adopted team members (DC and MK)...gave us the most thoughtful gift we could receive - a weekend away from home. A weekend to forget the sadness, loss, stress, and worry. A weekend to reconnect and have fun. Today we are off to Canyon of the Eagles. Other than my team, very few people know how badly I need this. So, thank you from the depths of my heart. Thank you for putting up with the drama that continues to be my life. You are all my daily rock I lean very heavily on.
I'd like to say "Rock Hard Abs," but we all know that would be a big fat lie. I could quite possibly have the knottiest (is that a word?) shoulders that anyone has ever had. They are so bad that it wakes me up at night and that just can't be good. My shoulders hold all the tension in my body and so...they are basically screwed. My headaches are back up to 9's each day and that just can't be good either. My head feels like it weighs 800 lbs., which doesn't really put me in a great mood. But, there is a light at the end of this tunnel! Tomorrow at exactly 10am I will be on a massage table for 30 nice long minutes and then will see the chiropractor who will promptly fix me (or at least he better). So, only one more night of pain, suffering and very rock hard shoulders. I am happy.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Double FYI: This is about to get sappy. Deal with it.
I've known my husband for almost 6 years now - married for 3 of those years in June. At first I really thought he was "too good to be true." I looked for flaws in him minute by minute, but they just never came. How is it that he continues to amaze me on a daily basis at his kindness, compassion, strong worth ethic, sincerity, and over all goodness? Sometimes I think he is too good and needs to screw up a little. It would really make me feel better. I worry, on a daily basis, for his safety. That I will be stripped of this life I never imagined I would have with someone. Logic tells me to quit worrying and live in the present. Well, logic has never met me, The Gold Medal Olympic Worrier.
When I came home yesterday, flowers were on the kitchen table. Some girls require flowers on regular occasions, special days, etc. and get all emotional when flowers do not arrive. I experienced my first moment of "getting flowers" in Feb. 2002. And, yes, they were from My Babe. I've never been so shocked in my life because that kind of thing just did not happen to little ol' me. Over the years My Babe has brought me many flowers. I am amazed that he thinks of that because, really, my mind is never on flowers. In fact, maybe I should start thinking about flowers instead of the load of crap I do think about.
What My Babe does not realize is that flowers are not required. I already receive a vase full of flowers on a daily basis. Each time he calls during the day just to check on me, flowers are added to my vase. When he tries his absolute hardest to be home when I am home, more flowers come. When he asks me how my day was and really, really means it, I get flowers. When he tells me "thank you" each and every day, I get flowers. When he listens to my daily rants, rages and insignificant stories, holds me as I sob about the babies, holds my hand in public, visits me at school, attends field trips and class parties (now that is love), puts up with my mood swings, switches out the electric toothbrush head every single time, empties the dishwasher, does the laundry, makes me supper, makes me icecream and popcorn, and tells me that he loves me, I receive flowers. At the end of the day, I have an overflowing vase. And while I have great pain and ache in my heart, that is just a little part. The rest is full of love and happiness...and a whole lot of flowers.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Hello...my name is Melissa...and I am addicted to Pumpkin Chipper Muffins.
I eat them night and day. I have a freezer full of them and I can't get enough.
The "chipper" is nothing but chocolate chips. However, pumpkin is good for you, so it counter-balances everything. We won't mention the excessive amounts of butter and sugar. Our relationship started during the last pregnancy and hasn't stopped yet. I wonder just how long we will last.
My name is Melissa...and I am addicted to Pumpkin Chipper Muffins.
Friday, April 13, 2007
I'm just not sure whether to keep on this same train and hope we will reach the desired destination at some point, or to wave the white flag and do IVF when we figure out the money situation. Honestly, right now at 10:26pm, I really don't think I'm ready for IVF just yet. At 10:29 I might feel differently, but I do know for sure that I cannot keep losing babies.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Monday, April 9, 2007
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Cell 1: Hey, remember when she was diagnosed with PCOS and now she has a 1% chance of getting pregnant with out medication?
Cell 2: Yeah, that was cool.
Cell 1: Oh, and remember how each time she does happen to get pregnant, she feels like projectile vomiting at any given moment, she's dizzy, and she wants to slit her wrist?
Cell 2: Yeah, and how she has to teach school with a smile on her face, hiding the vomit look?
Cell 1: Or how she threw up spaghetti noodles out of her nose?
Cell 2: Oh, that was awesome! And then we gave her an incompetent cervix!
Cell 1: Wasn't it a riot when she had to put cabbage leaves on her boobs to dry up the milk since her body thought she had 2 healthy babies to feed?
Cell 2: Gosh, that sure was stinky, but funny!
Cell 1: The coolest time was when she almost bled out in the public library from passing ginormous clots!
Cell 2: Oh, that was so embarassing, but totally worth it!
Cell 1: And don't you remember when she got pregnant the second time, we gave her a Molar Pregnancy!
Cell 2: Yeah, and she had to get blood drawn every single week for six months to make sure she wasn't developing cancer! Good times, I tell you. Good times...
Cell 1: Hey! Let's spontaneously abort anything that starts to live inside her body!
Cell 2: Yeah...that would be a hoot! I'll go tell the others!
Such is life...another diagnosis to swallow. Maybe next time I'll go for an even cooler title!
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
The short answer is...no. My chromosome analysis came back yesterday - normal female. Ha, if they only knew.
Still waiting on results for hubby and baby...
Monday, April 2, 2007
We are officially farmers. Along with Big Boy and Early Girl tomatos, we have squash, zucchini, cucumbers and peppers. Too late for onions...big fat bummer since we use those by the boatload. Our herbs didn't really survive the storms, so we aren't too great at farming yet.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
For my first "new" post, I have decided to start monthly resolutions. Nobody keeps the yearly ones, so we'll see just how much I can fail at monthly ones!
1. I will walk Peanut at least once a day. Rainy days don't count...it's April, people.
2. I will begin Body Flow, Body Pump, biking or swimming again at least twice a week.
3. I will strengthen my legs in order to begin running again.
4. I will practice debt control.
5. I will take at least one picture a day of things I am thankful for, or things that are just down right cool.
6. I will blog at least once every 2 days.
7. I will cook supper at least 5 nights a week. Well, let's say on nights when hubby is home.
8. I will read every evening before bed.
9. I will limit computer time to 15 minutes per evening. Oh, let's be serious...45 minutes.
10. I will quit vowing to slap the next woman that walks by me that is pregnant.