Sunday, April 8, 2007

Love, Spontaneous Aborter

While looking through my paperwork from the latest loss, I see this great title for what I am now considered: A Spontaneous Aborter. You see, I have this button that causes me tons of giggles each time I push it. The button spontaneously aborts any little being (human or alien) that tries to make a home for itself inside my body. I'm not really sure how I acquired this button, but I feel quite blessed. I'm fairly confident that my body is screwed up. It's like all the cells have regular conversations with each other to plan what is going to happpen next.

Cell 1: Hey, remember when she was diagnosed with PCOS and now she has a 1% chance of getting pregnant with out medication?
Cell 2: Yeah, that was cool.

Cell 1: Oh, and remember how each time she does happen to get pregnant, she feels like projectile vomiting at any given moment, she's dizzy, and she wants to slit her wrist?
Cell 2: Yeah, and how she has to teach school with a smile on her face, hiding the vomit look?

Cell 1: Or how she threw up spaghetti noodles out of her nose?
Cell 2: Oh, that was awesome! And then we gave her an incompetent cervix!

Cell 1: Wasn't it a riot when she had to put cabbage leaves on her boobs to dry up the milk since her body thought she had 2 healthy babies to feed?
Cell 2: Gosh, that sure was stinky, but funny!

Cell 1: The coolest time was when she almost bled out in the public library from passing ginormous clots!
Cell 2: Oh, that was so embarassing, but totally worth it!

Cell 1: And don't you remember when she got pregnant the second time, we gave her a Molar Pregnancy!
Cell 2: Yeah, and she had to get blood drawn every single week for six months to make sure she wasn't developing cancer! Good times, I tell you. Good times...

Cell 1: Hey! Let's spontaneously abort anything that starts to live inside her body!
Cell 2: Yeah...that would be a hoot! I'll go tell the others!

Such is life...another diagnosis to swallow. Maybe next time I'll go for an even cooler title!

Spontaneous Aborter


Sara said...

Oh, this made me laugh and cry. At times I feel my body has a sick sick sense of humor as well.

I'm so sorry about your babies, and I wish you the best of luck with IVF and PDG.

Nicole said...

Enjoyed a good laugh and a good cry over this post. Laughter through tears is by far my favorite emotion. Here's my response to Cell 1 and 2:

Dear Cell 1 & 2 and the others,
Your days are numbered and unless you get out of dodge or behave I will come after you with a laser and excise you all right out of this game. Now that would be good times.
the enforcer

Monica H said...

That was pretty funny, but I am so sorry!