I'm Not Sick...But I'm Not Well

I don't know how to get past it.

I don't know how to rid myself of the poisonous nervous stomach that paralyzes me for no apparent reason.

I haven't fully enjoyed my marriage to summer yet because of it. I think I'm consciously sabotaging myself and I need a swift kick in the rear. My head spins, my stomach churns, I dread going anywhere and seeing anyone, and I am not even close to productive. I've pushed myself hard this summer - trying to find a solution to our debt, "learning" how to swim, and forcing myself to do things completely out of my comfort zone. I've tried to lower my expectations, but it doesn't help the constant whirlwind inside my head and the sickness I feel. Exercise has helped tremendously, but not enough to maintain the feeling throughout the day. After seeing my awesome acupuncturist today, I felt better than I have since my marriage to summer began. I really only have a few things to feel sick about...nothing life threatening for sure. Nothing that should cause such anxiety that I'm on the verge of losing it.

The dreaded "Two Week Wait", the limbo between knowing if I am pregnant or not, isn't even really concerning me. It's the small potatoes that haunt me. I called a counselor that my acupuncturist recommends today. I am anxious (surprise!) to talk with her and develop strategies to tackle this monster sans my beloved Pink Pills.

This Just In...Pessimistic Melissa Wins Again

I am in a serious foul mood. This foul mood has lasted since Saturday. It's Monday, people...this is ridiculous. I fight this with each cell in my body, but it wins every single time. It consumes me, makes it miserable for My Babe, and I need Pink Pills. Usually I can fake a good mood, but I can't even fake it this time. It makes me tired - makes me weary - makes me sad - makes me not fun to be around. The happier someone is around me, the worse I feel. It pains me to write. It pains me to smile.

There are several things hanging over my head that I just can't let go. Two are major things and one is so incredibly tiny that it isn't even worth a minute of energy. However, I dwell on it...seek the negative over and over and over. I've tried more strategies than I can shake a stick at, but I still continue to focus on the negative. In fact, I think I'm getting worse. To make matters even more dismal (because I like that, you know), I'm pumped up with good ol' fertility drugs which make me want to rip my hair out. My book, Authentic Happiness, says that people who are really happy are just born that way. Those that are not so happy can make themselves happier by using strategies, but will never really be high as a kite happy because they weren't born that way. Well, crap. I'm out of luck, which makes me really happy. But, I'm determined to change. I'm determined to beat it....just not today. Today, pessimistic Melissa wins. And, really, it's okay.

A Pink Pill Day

Even though it's beautiful, bright, and sunny outside, I can always tell when it is a Pink Pill Day as soon as I open my eyes. Too bad I don't have any! My Babe picked up an extra shift at SBFD so I will see him Tuesday evening. I'm not really sure how I lived when he worked 48 hours shifts for so long. Well, I can tell you...I didn't manage very well. He is the hardest worker I know and thank goodness for that. I have a lot of things to do today to keep me busy - church, the grocery store, etc. but I have zero motivation to do them. If someone called to invite me somewhere, it wouldn't make a hill of beans difference because I have zero motivaion to go anywhere or see anyone. I am forcing myself to take a shower and get to church at 12:30pm. I miss My Babe. It's like someone takes away my right leg when he isn't around. I don't even want a Pumpkin Chipper Muffin. I'm in a funk, I tell you...