Monday, May 21, 2007

This Just In...Pessimistic Melissa Wins Again

I am in a serious foul mood. This foul mood has lasted since Saturday. It's Monday, people...this is ridiculous. I fight this with each cell in my body, but it wins every single time. It consumes me, makes it miserable for My Babe, and I need Pink Pills. Usually I can fake a good mood, but I can't even fake it this time. It makes me tired - makes me weary - makes me sad - makes me not fun to be around. The happier someone is around me, the worse I feel. It pains me to write. It pains me to smile.

There are several things hanging over my head that I just can't let go. Two are major things and one is so incredibly tiny that it isn't even worth a minute of energy. However, I dwell on the negative over and over and over. I've tried more strategies than I can shake a stick at, but I still continue to focus on the negative. In fact, I think I'm getting worse. To make matters even more dismal (because I like that, you know), I'm pumped up with good ol' fertility drugs which make me want to rip my hair out. My book, Authentic Happiness, says that people who are really happy are just born that way. Those that are not so happy can make themselves happier by using strategies, but will never really be high as a kite happy because they weren't born that way. Well, crap. I'm out of luck, which makes me really happy. But, I'm determined to change. I'm determined to beat it....just not today. Today, pessimistic Melissa wins. And, really, it's okay.


Lori said...

I know it doesn't help, but you cannot discount how much those fertility drugs mess with your mind and your moods. I swear I was in a perpetually cranky mood for the two years I was on Clomid. Yes, some stupid fertility doc had me on Clomid for TWO years. Add grief and anxiety and an unknown future on top of that, and it's no wonder you are having some trouble being "happy."

Maybe you need to aim a a little lower? How about, "reasonably pleasant" or "less than grumpy"?
Go easy on yourself. You are carrying A LOT!

Anonymous said...

I am feeling quite irritable and down, too. Real helpful, huh?

Just know that I know how you feel AND I'm not even taking fertility drugs.

I did forget to bring my "pink pills" with me on my 3 day trip, after forgetting to take them the 2 days before my trip.

I hate the way I get...weary, sad, no fun to be around....

Yeah, I know how it is.

So, my friend, I comisserate with you.

Hold on. Keep being strong....

Rachel said...

I hope today is going better!

Nicole said...

Oh, Melissa, I am so sorry that you are feeling so negative. I've been there and its hard to dig yourself out of it, I know. But, please know that we are all rooting for you and the bad mood should pass soon.