Thursday, April 5, 2007
Psycho...Party of One...Your Table Is Now Available
How do normal people respond when their spouse interprets something they have said the wrong way? I don't even know because it's never happened to me and I am far from normal. A long time ago (we all know when), I would have raged into a fit. Now, I restrain myself a little bit, but still don't handle things appropriately. Why must I ruin a night just because I can't bring myself back to reality, give up the pride and call a truce? Round and round we go in this life called "I Need Medication!" Simple it would be to call the doctor and start Happy Pills again, but not so simple is it to stop when we are cleared for baby time again. I can't decide if it is worth it for just a few months. Excuses sure don't help, or clear me of the right to act this way, but it sure is hard to cope sometimes lately. Nights are the hardest when I should be busy with 2 one year olds running around and trashing this place. For now, I just pass an empty room with a tightly closed door. A room that I sometimes go into just to see if it actually exsists. I don't stay long - maybe a couple of minutes, and then I am left to fill my time with Tivo, magazines, and yes...internet. Most people would say they can only dream about having that much time on their hands, but those people don't know the ache that goes along with it. Does this have anything to do with how I handle situations? Yes and no. I've always been a raging lunatic, but now I am a more mature raging lunatic with a mind that refuses to read the memo to turn off. A mind that takes every tiny situation, blows it into epic porportions, and somehow brings it all back to the injustice of infertility and how I've been wronged. I'll even bring a tither about cooking or the remote control back to infertility if need be! My anger stems from sadness, hurt, rejection, pain, and has nothing and everything to do with most situations I encounter on a daily basis. Oh, and I'm also just down right stubborn, controlling and bratty to top it off. Does all of this add up to success and happiness? Let's just say, keep that answer to yourself.