No wedding is complete without wedding pictures...even if they make it to an album three and a half years later. Since I'm home bound, I thought I would do just that, which led me to a string of pictures of My Babe and me from the last six years we've been together. Pictures of camping, rock climbing, skiing, and bike riding. We've been sky diving, canoeing, hiking, and many more things I've always dreamed of doing. I look back and see a girl that resembles me, but not the me I know now. In my mind, I'm still that girl. The girl that used to have a slight bit of muscle tone, skinnier face, long hair with highlights, able (and willing) to wear tank tops without embarrassment, and open to trying anything (almost).
But, the last two and a half years have taken that away. I've spent those years gestating...with no end result. No product. Just a few short hours with two precious babies in my arms, a belly that never went away, and a box of memories that aren't enough to last. I feel robbed of the girl I used to be from my body, to my brain, to my heart. Those that know me and have been around me may or may not agree, but to me it is so obvious, especially after seeing those pictures. Especially when I can't physically do the things we used to do. And, while, it may be temporary, by the time I give birth, I will have spent three years of my life unable to do the things I enjoy due to trying to conceive, pregnancy, and pregnancy loss after loss.
I want the old me back. I want to be stupid and naive about pregnancy and the end result. I want to not have to think about my angel babies on a second to second basis. I want to push the play button since my life has been on hold for so long. I want to move on. I want to be the girl in the pictures again. The girl with the smile that wasn't covering the heartache. I want to find that girl again. If you see her, send her home to me.
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4 comments:
This post made me choke up! When you find that girl, can you see if the old me has been hanging out with her? Because I can't seem to find her either.
Kudos for working on wedding albums... Umm, I'm hoping to do that as well also. Someday. When I find my motivation.
I posted an entry a couple weeks back titled "A Better Life" which is similar to this one. I don't know who I am anymore, this is not the life I imagined for myself, and I don't know where the road I'm on leads to. Maybe, we are all in some other world having a great time with our babies....I wish.
Yes, those old girls are just gone...haveta wait until the golden years to recapture that. And life doesn't stop. No matter how much you miss your babies, no matter how many more may come, no matter what...sometimes we have to take on our new role and watch the years fly by, trying to enjoy what we have and never forgetting our angels!!
I hope this is helpful...get out in the sun (when it visits) and do enjoy the time with this baby and don't stop praying, it makes life easier to handle!!
Interesting blog you write...It allowed me to reflect on my own situation (in recent years), while very different from yours. I too have experienced the loss of myself. The bad news is she's not coming home Melissa. "She" is forever changed. The good news is these experiences are shaping the person you will become. And there is no doubt in my mind...your best is yet to come. c
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