For the better part of three years I've been growing humans #1-5...at a profoundly unsuccessful rate...or at least until now. To say that I feel limited, maxed out, abnormal, and pretty much done would be a gross understatement. I am thankful each and every second for a healthy baby girl measuring perfectly at 27 weeks, for not having to be on bed rest, for feeling pretty good, and for the possibility that this really might work.
But, let's be real now.
I'm weary. I'm tired of being a doctor's science experiment. My body doesn't know which way is up anymore (except for my faithful reflux/heartburn friend) and it certainly hasn't had enough recovery time between pregnancies to even begin to try to go back to "normal." Being that I have the pastiest of pasty white skin, I will never be able to wear shorts in public again unless I spend the outrageous amount of money to fix them. It looks like someone has punched me in multiple places and then completed a dot-to-dot picture between punches. And, my varicose veins...yeah...let's just stop there.
I feel trapped. Trapped inside my freakish mind. Trapped inside my classroom. Trapped inside a pregnant body that is not allowed to exercise. Trapped because this is the last weekend I am allowed to travel.
And, while I am not silly and know this is not permanent, I am feeling a great deal of anxiety over the permanent change that will soon come to my dream come true marriage. I want to protect it. I want to spend every moment possible nurturing it before we're blindsided by lack of sleep. I want to keep it sacred and I've spent a good deal of time researching books on how to "prepare" your marriage for the arrival of a baby. Which, really, is hysterical since experience is the only way to learn this one.
I am anxious and tired of the physical sacrifices, the restrictions and limitations, the doctor's visits and the trapped feeling. But, I must remind myself often that I will make it. The light is beginning to show at the end of the long, long, scary tunnel. I will crawl through the tunnel soon, and while life will look completely different, I will settle into a groove. My marriage will survive and remain strong through lots of hard work and forgiveness. And, very soon, I will no longer feel trapped.