Thursday, February 7, 2008

Feeling Just a Wee Bit TRAPPED.

For the better part of three years I've been growing humans #1-5...at a profoundly unsuccessful rate...or at least until now. To say that I feel limited, maxed out, abnormal, and pretty much done would be a gross understatement. I am thankful each and every second for a healthy baby girl measuring perfectly at 27 weeks, for not having to be on bed rest, for feeling pretty good, and for the possibility that this really might work.

But, let's be real now.

I'm weary. I'm tired of being a doctor's science experiment. My body doesn't know which way is up anymore (except for my faithful reflux/heartburn friend) and it certainly hasn't had enough recovery time between pregnancies to even begin to try to go back to "normal." Being that I have the pastiest of pasty white skin, I will never be able to wear shorts in public again unless I spend the outrageous amount of money to fix them. It looks like someone has punched me in multiple places and then completed a dot-to-dot picture between punches. And, my varicose veins...yeah...let's just stop there.

I feel trapped. Trapped inside my freakish mind. Trapped inside my classroom. Trapped inside a pregnant body that is not allowed to exercise. Trapped because this is the last weekend I am allowed to travel.

And, while I am not silly and know this is not permanent, I am feeling a great deal of anxiety over the permanent change that will soon come to my dream come true marriage. I want to protect it. I want to spend every moment possible nurturing it before we're blindsided by lack of sleep. I want to keep it sacred and I've spent a good deal of time researching books on how to "prepare" your marriage for the arrival of a baby. Which, really, is hysterical since experience is the only way to learn this one.

I am anxious and tired of the physical sacrifices, the restrictions and limitations, the doctor's visits and the trapped feeling. But, I must remind myself often that I will make it. The light is beginning to show at the end of the long, long, scary tunnel. I will crawl through the tunnel soon, and while life will look completely different, I will settle into a groove. My marriage will survive and remain strong through lots of hard work and forgiveness. And, very soon, I will no longer feel trapped.

15 comments:

lori said...

what a thoughtful post. i am so happy to read how far along you are...i keep losing track of time, and it always surprises me how far off i am when i come back to visit your blog.

i do not, in any way, want to make light of your concerns about how baby girl will change your marriage. but, i get the sense that you guys have an incredibly strong marriage already. you're many steps ahead of most. and, even though it is a HARD job in the beginning, i think that you will find that you bond even more strongly over your love for baby girl and working together to care for her.

hang in there!

Leigh Ann said...

Seconding Lori here.

I remember how scary it was to think of a stranger entering our little family. But time will show that little stranger will bond you in a way like no other. I'm so glad to hear you're almost there!

I'm sixteen weeks along with number four so can relate a bit to your feelings about your body. I'm feeling huge & looking at the calendar with twenty-some odd weeks left!! Oh, well. This too shall pass.

Rachel said...

It sounds like you have a great marriage, and that you have worked hard to keep it that way. I think that if losing 4 babies didn't tear you apart, your marriage will grow even stronger when your little girl is here. You may find that you love your husband even more than you ever thought possible.

Congratulations on making it this far!

Kirsten said...

I had a similar experience to these ladies - my marriage has been better and more satisfying since we had kids (2). I have so much more adoration and respect for him as I watch him father our children.

I also remember that trapped feeling (I just had baby #2) - mine was primarily a feeling of being at the mercy of my body, and that my body was beyond my control. I hated it and cried a lot about the limitations of the hugely pregnant body. Toward the end, I could barely walk from the car to the house, and hated that disabled feeling. I can relate! But here it is 3 months later, and I really am starting to feel like myself again. Hang in there, you are doing GREAT!

Ann said...

You've spent so much time trying to have a baby that makes it to viability, that now that it may actually be a reality, I can see how it would be scary.

cas said...

Don't worry. My girls are 2 and 5. My husband and I often wonder what we talked about before we had kids (and we were together for 10 years before our oldest was born). Kids are exhausting! You will be sleep deprived! You will also look at your babe and your eyes will fill with tears when you think about the precious life that is an amazing combination of the two of you.
Lots of Love!

Monica said...

mkv,

Girl, I know what you mean. I gestated for 18 months before I got a living child home. It's totally ok to gripe about it, but I understand why you hesitate to do so given that realize how wonderful it is to be this far along. About the marriage... if you can make it through the losses, especially the twins, you marriage is pretty darn strong. Sure, DH and I bicker sometimes and wish we had more "alone" time, but being with Andy is so much fun. Sure, the part at the beginning is hard. I found myself still mourning the child I didn't have instead of celebrating Andy. But after a few months things got way better, especially the sleep. I have so much respect for you just for being an elementary teacher. I cannot even deal with our sixth graders without wanting to slit my wrists. You are a great angel mom already and you'll make a wonderful mom to your living child as well. I can't wait to see pics of baby girl. I've been reading you since you announced and I feel like I've been a passenger on this journey with you. I can't wait to see you come out of the other end. It helps all of us (loss community) to see good things happen so it can restore our faith in the world. Sorry this was a novel, I had to take advantage of the time I had.

girlh said...

i think if you WEREN'T feeling all of this you wouldn't be normal! it's just all those feelings that people don't express out of fear someone will think you are crazy or ungrateful. but they are all 100% normal. hey look at that you ARE normal!

if the two of you can get through all you've had to bare up to this point...you'll be able to tackle anything.

the first few weeks after my little one was born my dh and i used to say 'this stress is NOTHING compared to the stress of getting her here.' sleep deprivation is hard but nothing like the emotions you are feeling right now.

you can and WILL do this! you're getting so close to the prize. and she will be so precious.

13 weeks to go. hoping these weeks fly for you.

keep on keeping on and remind yourself to breathe.

kgwill01 said...

Just keep in mind that your dreams are coming true. Keep praying. And I know that it's all going to fall into place.

:)

Love to you!

Kim said...

P.S. - it's Kim. :) It's letting me sign in with wordpress but not letting me change my display name!

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I get the sense that you guys have an incredibly strong marriage already you're make many steps ahead of most and, even though it is a HARD job in the beginning, i think that you will find a right way.