I'm not certain that you realize this so I will glady bring it directly to your attention.
There is a burn ban in effect in surrounding counties. Although our immediate area lifted their burn ban just days ago, your potential fire will still create havoc if it is not squelched quickly. Quite frankly, there is enough fire within my chest to light the entire state of Texas and burn every living and nonliving thing in its path.
Doesn't it concern you that our home backs up to a heavily wooded ranch? Do you think living with a firefighter gives you permission to torment me with a 24/7 raging burn? Is it okay to continue hurling food up my esophogus just for giggles?
No more, I say.
Spring began at 12:48am yesterday and while it typically brings rain highly capable of dousing a roaring bonfire to these parts of Texas, a torrential downpour near your awesome powers would be equivalent to spitting in Hell and expecting dramatic results immediately.
This is really getting old and I respectfully request you extinguish this blaze permanently as I have dealt with your nasty ways for the past 19 weeks...and that is a long damn time, I tell you. I have 5 weeks left and a little reprieve would be just freaking awesome.
And while you're at it, getting over yourself and all, talk to my hips too. Mmmm, k?
Respectfully but VERY seriously,