Friday, May 11, 2007

I Don't Like Odd Numbers

I am a very even girl. I like all things even. When I eat candy or anything that involves pieces, I eat them in even numbers. Often, I count my steps - all must end in even numbers. Sometimes while counting, I will take an extra step or a giant step in order to get to an even number. I count ceiling tiles, lightbulbs, numerous different things on a daily basis. Most do not end in even numbers, but I can rig my counting to get around it. I will just count whatever I am counting 2 times or 4 times if I feel like it. It's insanity, I tell you. Which brings me to a very big problem for the next 365 days. Today I am 31.

Exactly one year ago today, I sat in the perinatologist's office awaiting the showing of my 10 weeks old baby's heartbeat. Note to self: Never schedule a sonogram on your birthday. Exactly one year ago today, I found out there was no longer a heartbeat. Exactly one year ago today, I swore I would be pregnant by Christmas. Exactly one year ago today, I never thought it would happen to me again. Exactly one year ago today, more of my heart was ripped away, causing me to forever change - to forever be a different person. And here I am, one year later, with empty arms.

Today I received a bit of even news. My progesterone is down to a 4. It's not the bright and shining news I would like for my birthday, but at least we are on the way to the 2 we need. Heck, I'll even accept a dreaded 1. Anything to get me closer to motherhood and counting children running around my house rather than lightbulbs.


Lori said...

Happy Birthday Melissa. I know you are not able to celebrate the way you would like to be this year, but I hope that pieces of your day were still happy nonetheless.

I will say again that I am so sorry for all of your losses. I am sorry Ryan and Kinsey aren't here celebrating their mama's birthday. I can't tell you how much I wish they were.

I am praying you will be able to begin trying again for a "take home baby" very, very soon.

Sunny said...

Happy Birthday! I am so sorry that last year you had the worst day ever on your birthday. I hope you can celebrate you and take a moment to remember your little one.

4 is an even number. It had to make you smile!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog to my husband, and see said, "Well, I guess you two our soul mates." I want everything (steps, dishes washed, clothes folded) to count up to 23, my lucky number. I can make it work, too. Oops! 23 is an odd number so maybe we're enemies. :)

Anyway, I can just imagine lots of even-numbered toys and diapers in your future.

Blessings to you this weekend, my friend.

natalie said...

Happy Birthday to the best writer I know. It has become my Sunday ritual to sit down on my couch and read your blog. It makes me laugh, cry and smile. I know your news about your count wasn't exactly what you wanted but you are getting there. And - don't think of 31 as an odd number - think of it this way...when you add it up it's even!! 3 + 1 = 4. :)You can get around anything - just stay positive and keep on praying. You have lots of us praying with you too.