Why didn't we spend more time holding the babies? Why didn't we take more pictures? Why didn't we see them again before we left the hospital? Why didn't we get a casket? Why didn't we have a memorial service? Why don't I talk about them more? Why don't I write about them more?
What in the world were we thinking??
I don't know when these questions will stop plaguing me on a daily basis. I don't think they ever will.
We can't ever take it back. I want to hold them. I want pictures of their tiny hands. I want pictures of their long toes and legs just like My Babe's. I'm sick.
Grief strikes me so hard, so quick, out of nowhere. It immobilizes me. I am thankful that it is summer and I can cry without having to do so while speed peeing in the classroom bathroom for once.
The hurt is deeper than I have ever known.