Wednesday, June 6, 2007

WHY??

Why didn't we spend more time holding the babies? Why didn't we take more pictures? Why didn't we see them again before we left the hospital? Why didn't we get a casket? Why didn't we have a memorial service? Why don't I talk about them more? Why don't I write about them more?

What in the world were we thinking??

I don't know when these questions will stop plaguing me on a daily basis. I don't think they ever will.

We can't ever take it back. I want to hold them. I want pictures of their tiny hands. I want pictures of their long toes and legs just like My Babe's. I'm sick.

Grief strikes me so hard, so quick, out of nowhere. It immobilizes me. I am thankful that it is summer and I can cry without having to do so while speed peeing in the classroom bathroom for once.

The hurt is deeper than I have ever known.

Why?

9 comments:

Andria and Co. said...

Oh Melissa... I am so, so sorry for your loss. I've had three miscarriages in the past year, and am pregnant again. I'm scared. Most days, I can hide it from people that I am scared, but it is always present.
I found your blog somewhere, and just read from the past-present, and am officially a stalker of your blog.
Oh, and I live in Austin too. :)

Anonymous said...

While I know you will never ever stop loving and missing Kinsey and Ryan, I pray that the nagging "why's" that hound you will begin to plague you less and less. I pray for peace of soul for you.

Sunny said...

I am so sorry you are having a dark moment. Those moments hurt. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could answer your whys. let yourself continue to grieve when you need too.

Catherine said...

You know it's not those "things" that you are sad you are missing at all, right? You know that you are missing your babies and the lifetime you were cheated out of. If you had more pictures...if you had had a memorial service...you would still find more things that are missing because THEY are missing. It sucks and it's entirely unfair. And I'm so very sorry.

missing_one said...

Melissa, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please try not to beat yourself up over all the whys. We did most of those things on your list but only because people said we should and that we might regret it later. If they had not said something, I swear the thought never would have occurred to us to do those things. What prepares us for this tragedy? Absolutely nothing. There is no handbook "what to expect when things go wrong" or no "prenatal loss preparedness class" we take before. Nothing. We are cheated into expecting nothing but the desirable outcome. ...ok long rant. *hugs from afar* And I TOTALLY feel you on the speed peeing -I'm a high school teacher and had to do it in about a minute between periods.

Lori said...

The regrets are so hard. But as Catherine said, in the end, I don't know if they would change how you feel today. You might not have the regrets, but the deep sadness would still be there.

I wish we had taken our own pictures of Molly and Joseph. Our blessed nurse took pictures for us, and I will be forever grateful, but I wish I had understood how much I would want as many pictures as possible later on. But how could we? How can you know that you will want pictures of your dying or dead babies? It sounds so absurd when you think about it, and yet we mothers who have lost babies know it is not.

What sorts of mementos or keepsakes do you have? Do you have footprints, or the blankets they were wrapped in? I know that some mothers have created some really beautiful keepsakes just from using the footprints of their precious baby. Maybe there is something creative you could do with what you do have, that might fill a little bit of the void you are speaking of? But even as I say that, I know the biggest void can never be filled.

I also wanted to say that I actually have found it easier to talk about Molly and Joseph as time has gone on. It was so much harder when the grief was still so fresh. I have found that to be true for my husband as well.

My prayers are with you.

Rachel said...

I can't imagine losing my baby when I was as far along as you are. I lost my baby at 10 weeks have struggled a lot.

I am sending you a virtual hug.

LL said...

I think I have said this once but it is so worth repeating. Everything grief makes you feel is natural, normal, necessary.

Love you,

wannabe mom said...

i soooo feel for you. although we have some pictures of our girls i wish that we had taken more. i hope that in time our "whys" will get less and less. you did the best that you could at the time.

a few months ago, i went to a paint your own pottery place and i painted our daughters' names on a plaque with some flowers that i planned to hang in our garden. but it turned out too pretty to go outside, so it is hanging in my hallway. it is no work of art but i love reading their names, maybe that's something you could find some time to do? but again, as lori said, the biggest void can never be filled. so i guess we do what we can to fill it a tiny little bit.

hugs to you.