Monday, April 9, 2007

Do You Have Joy?

I was asked this today in response to my blog. This is to be expected as this blog in its entirety smells of sorrow and bitterness. However, those that spend time with me on a daily basis know differently. Let's just say, there are two sides to Melissa. The Melissa that goes out in public, teaches school, laughs and plays with the children, sees parents on a daily basis, rejoices in other people's fortunes, truly cares about other people's children, and interacts with the world in general is the one that smiles...and means it. The Melissa that comes home to an empty house and a mind full of worry, sadness, and unanswered questions is the one that writes this blog. Very few people see this Melissa as she only comes out at night, mostly to herself, and sometimes to Hubby. Since Sad Melissa is nocturnal, even her best friends have no idea she exsists, because most of the time that's just easier. Most have no idea there are two of me, some are just learning, and some probably think I'm schizophrenic. Rightly so, but tread lightly in your judgment. Although I cannot sing joy from the rooftops yet, I will get there. For now, I will write through my emotions as twisted as they are and maybe even laugh a little, because good gracious...if I don't, I'll become even more psycho!


Jamie Lynn said...

I just wanted to let you know that I found your blog and have been reading it lately. You amaze me. If I ever go what you have gone through I dont think I would even be able to go out in public or live day to day. I think it is wondering that you get your emotions out by writing. What ever works for you do it!! I definitly have two sides to me too that a lot of people dont see. I am 23 and I finally got on some anti-depressants that I should have been on a long time ago. It took me a long time to realize that I needed help. If you ever just want a none bias person to talk to feel free to email me at I am from South Dakota so you dont have to work about seeing me anytime soon. I have read you blog to my boyfriend too, and he wanted me to tell you that his heart goes out to you and your husband. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I applaud you.
~Jamie Lynn :)

sophia said...

"Although I cannot sing joy from the rooftops yet, I will get there."

Yet....that's the operative word here! Both Melissa's will get there!

I truly admire your strength.

Anonymous said...

I hope you know that judgment is not what raised the was out of pure friendship and love for my dear friend. It pains me to hear you suffer, but I'm proud of your strength. Blog on sister! XOXOXO

BIBS!!! said...

Just my humble opinion...a "friend" would have never started a conversation with you about that. How dare her...or him. Those of us who will never feel what you have felt can only be in awe of your strength to hold your head up high day in and day out. You are the most positive and uplifting friend I have and I will do nothing but respect your grieving process and support anything that entails. You are an extremely talented writer and I would be saddened if that conversation changes the content and "voice" of your posts.

Love you!! Keep writing!

Lori said...

Good for you!

Sara, over at Year of Consolation, brought my attention to your blog, and I'm glad she did. I too am the mother of 23 week twins who are in heaven. Mine were born alive but both died within an hour after birth.

My impression is that I have had longer to heal than you have (I haven't read through your whole blog to have a sense of when your twins were born). Mine were born three and half years ago. A fuller, more complete joy will come. But it does take time... and even 3+ years later, the ache, and the absence is still there.

Thanks for your honesty.