A Big Fat Negative

Bummer. I'm mainly sad that I am not able to get as much of the "morning" sickness out of the way during the summer. However, I have been so lucky in the past with getting pregnant easily. It will happen next time and that will be the time that it sticks for good. Oh well, at least I can eat a pound of lunch meat without the threat of Listeria, go white water rafting, and swing out over the Royal Gorge on our vacation next week if I feel like it.

Death, Be Gone With You

I didn't sleep last night, just like most of the people in my immediate part of the world, I'm sure. I wrote in my head, tossed and turned, dreamed of at least 3 different car accidents, and stared at My Babe sleeping soundly beside me (and thank you, dear God, for that.) I need not be reminded of the brief time we have on this earth with our loved ones. I think about that every time I kiss My Babe as he walks out the door to one of the riskiest jobs around. I do not rest until he walks back in the door again. I know that each day I have with my family, my team, my friends might be my last. And somehow, I forget that all at the same time. I forget to live in the moment, to choose kindness, to love unconditionally, to give the benefit of the doubt, and to give freely to others.

Nothing brings it home more than death.

Three of our teachers were killed in a car accident yesterday.

Susan, our speech therapist, loved our team and always wanted to teach with us. According to her, we were her favorite team. Our neighbor until just recently, she and her husband had just moved to their dream home. She couldn't wait for us to come over for a pool party. She worked closely with our kindergarten children and did an amazing job with them.

Pat, our counselor, was probably the most well dressed counselor in the world. Always organized, always proper, and always ready to party. Pat dancing at Nat's wedding was quite a sight to behold. I think we all nearly peed in our pants from laughter that night. Pat and I always joked at how we couldn't look at each other during meetings because, inevitably, one of us would make a face and set the other one off laughing at an inappropriate time.

Debbie, a first grade teacher, taught kindergarten with us for a couple of years. Never have I met a woman more capable than Debbie of being a successful stand-up comedian. Teaching with Debbie kept us hysterical on most days. Like Pat, she was always well dressed, never repeating an outfit within a year's time span. Recess in a full mink coat posed quite a few laughs, as well as her stories of porridge (beef stew to her) and using striped toothpaste and Bisquick to fill in holes in apartment ceilings and walls (in Texas...in the summer...you get the picture).

Susan, Pat, and Debbie...you are loved and will be missed.

So Far...That Would Be a Negative

We'll find out for sure on Wednesday.

My Shadow

My Babe gladly takes backseat to all of my many emotions, trials, and tribulations. We seem to be consumed with my moods, my infertility, and my everything. When I find myself wallowing in the sorrow of losing our babies, I have to remind myself that I am not the only one that has lost four children. My Babe may not have experienced the pregnancies and deliveries first hand, but he held my hand throughout. I know the thoughts plaque his mind daily - the "What ifs?" and the "Whys?" I know he hurts.

Today was a day made especially for My Babe. He got to pick what we ate (a once in a lifetime opportunity...I assure you), he got to pick what we did/did not do. He was completely in charge of the day. It felt so nice and made me feel sad at the same time. How is it that I have grown so far from taking care of him and his needs/wants? This was a great day to bring me back to my senses.

The message at church today was exactly on target for everything I know without a doubt My Babe will be when he has the chance to parent. He will be the most present, committed provider, protector, mentor and friend. I cannot wait to experience it with him.

Happy Father's Day to My Babe, my shadow, and the best daddy ever to our four angels in Heaven.

I'm Not Sick...But I'm Not Well

I don't know how to get past it.

I don't know how to rid myself of the poisonous nervous stomach that paralyzes me for no apparent reason.

I haven't fully enjoyed my marriage to summer yet because of it. I think I'm consciously sabotaging myself and I need a swift kick in the rear. My head spins, my stomach churns, I dread going anywhere and seeing anyone, and I am not even close to productive. I've pushed myself hard this summer - trying to find a solution to our debt, "learning" how to swim, and forcing myself to do things completely out of my comfort zone. I've tried to lower my expectations, but it doesn't help the constant whirlwind inside my head and the sickness I feel. Exercise has helped tremendously, but not enough to maintain the feeling throughout the day. After seeing my awesome acupuncturist today, I felt better than I have since my marriage to summer began. I really only have a few things to feel sick about...nothing life threatening for sure. Nothing that should cause such anxiety that I'm on the verge of losing it.

The dreaded "Two Week Wait", the limbo between knowing if I am pregnant or not, isn't even really concerning me. It's the small potatoes that haunt me. I called a counselor that my acupuncturist recommends today. I am anxious (surprise!) to talk with her and develop strategies to tackle this monster sans my beloved Pink Pills.

Celebrating Our Third Anniversary

We celebrated our third anniversary at Trois Estate yesterday. Fredricksburg is our special place since we got engaged at the top of Enchanted Rock. We found Trois Estate (across from Enchanted Rock) three years ago and have returned every year since.

Maturing A Little More Each Day

I had my first swim class today. Let's just say that I was in a little bit of a foul mood about it before going. I don't like new people, I don't like new places, I don't like being incompetent, and I certainly don't like a nervous stomach. Let's get this straight...I know how to swim, but I would like to get better at technique and most importantly - breathing properly.

This afternoon I managed to once again work myself into such a frenzy about this new risk that I was taking that I almost didn't go. It didn't make things any better when I hear my name screamed across the entire pool by the sweet father and family of a kindergartner I taught this past year. A brief conversation ensues...

Him: "Mrs. V! What are YOU doing here?"

Me: "Oh, well I'm just taking a swim class."

Him: "You don't know how to swim?!?!?"

Me: "Well, yes, I can swim but I'm not too great at the breathing thing while swimming freestyle. I'm a little nervous."

Him: "Wow! Everyone should know how to swim. I mean, that's a survival skill! That's great that you are learning!"

Me: "Well, actually, I know how to swim, I just want to get better."

Him: "Oh, I can't believe it! That is great that you are trying to learn!"

Me: "Yes, I'm sure trying!"

Him (talking to daughter): "________, tell Mrs. V. not to be nervous!"

Does it matter that he thinks I can't swim? Absolutely not - and it was a great lesson in "just let it be." I tried to enjoy the moment of seeing him and the rest of the family... of course while slightly freaking out on the inside as I am standing there in a bathing suit. After all the negativity, nerves, and non-necessary nincompoopery, the swim class went well. Even after they called the Nitro Swimming instructor over to help me with my breathing and we proceeded to bob up and down like children.

Risk-taking is not my cup of tea. I like the known, predictable and common. It sounds silly at the ripe young age of 31 to be so extremely afraid of new adventures and new situations. However, I am pushing myself a little more each day. Now I must learn to change my thinking in order to change my life. I must work on the negative thoughts that plague my being, freeze my insides, and make things so much harder for me than they should be.

Yes, I'm maturing a little more each day.

Wanna know what else is maturing? The big fat beast of a follicle Dr. V. found today. Yippee! I will take the Ovidrel shot tonight!

Hurdle One...Check.

So, I successfully jumped hurdle one without face planting. Dr. V. reports that there is no more scar tissue(!) and that everything looks great. At one point he thought he saw polyps on our scan, which would completely not surprise me, but after checking with a radiologist, he is confident everything is fine.

Now for hurdle two. We will go in on Monday to check for mature follicles. Clomid better have done its thing because this time I'm not playing around.

Prayers for today are as follows:

*Melissa will make it through a 48 hour shift without My Babe and will not shed one tear.
*Follicles are maturing like a beast inside of me.
*Melissa will remain productive, calm and rational in the wake of the hellish Clomid.

WHY??

Why didn't we spend more time holding the babies? Why didn't we take more pictures? Why didn't we see them again before we left the hospital? Why didn't we get a casket? Why didn't we have a memorial service? Why don't I talk about them more? Why don't I write about them more?

What in the world were we thinking??

I don't know when these questions will stop plaguing me on a daily basis. I don't think they ever will.

We can't ever take it back. I want to hold them. I want pictures of their tiny hands. I want pictures of their long toes and legs just like My Babe's. I'm sick.

Grief strikes me so hard, so quick, out of nowhere. It immobilizes me. I am thankful that it is summer and I can cry without having to do so while speed peeing in the classroom bathroom for once.

The hurt is deeper than I have ever known.

Why?

Meme

I've been tagged for a meme by, Lori, a mother of 5 children...3 earthly and 2 sweet babies, Molly and Joseph, born and lost at 23 weeks just like our Kinsey and Ryan. Lori has also lost her father, so it seems we have a lot in common.

What I'm told is that a meme in blogland is a series of statements that begin with "I am..."

So, without further ado...

I am a flip-flop lover. Everyday. All day.

I am a leader at school, but not really in life.

I am a thinker, a questioner, and a wonderer. Thank goodness, for My Babe who answers my questions with great patience.

I am scared of opportunity and what could possibly be.

I am a recurrent dreamer of vomit - at least three times a month. Don't ask.

I am completely anal retentive about the placement of the pillows on our couch. Sometimes I think of them at night and know that they are downstairs, out of order.

I am determined.

I am an extreme lover of all animals, elderly, and people with special needs. So much so, that is causes me physical pain to see one of the three in need.

I am stubborn.

I am quick to anger...but working on it.

I am strong on the outside with my grief, but so weak on the inside. I miss my babies with every ounce of my soul, every single second of the day.

I am introverted and shy. I need to learn how to loosen up and have more fun.

I am so in love with My Babe.

I am going to be a mother someday.

June Resolutions

1. I will finish all of my audio books.
2. I will pack away all baby items. (Really, we have a lot.)
3. I will take a swimming class.
4. I will strengthen my legs for running. Ha! Seriously this time.
5. I will really, really work on my moods.
6. I will really, really work on my temper.
7. I will be a better friend.
8. I will be a better listener.
9. I will be slow to react.
10. I will say "no" when needed.
11. I will be easier on myself.