May Resolutions

1. I will quit sticking my foot in my mouth. I really have good intentions, but it seems the minute I step foot out of bed something strange happens to my mouth.
2. I will strengthen my legs so I can start running again. Yes, this one didn't happen in April.
3. I will take my prenatal vitamin daily like a good girl.
4. I will set a timer at the computer and then GET UP when it goes off. Seriously...I've got to get a handle on this nightly internet thing.
5. I will wake up at 6:00am. I am officially putting the alarm clock in the bathroom to force me out of bed.
6. I will eat a healthy breakfast.

Wanna place bets on #5? We all know the "Morning Melissa." I am directly setting myself up for failure.

Melissa + Randy = BFF

I don't feel good, so this morning I was contemplating not attending the workshop on teaching writing I signed up for today. However, a phrase I remember from the book, Today Matters , "I will make and keep proper commitments" kept playing over and over in my clogged up/sore throat/allergy having head. Within 2 hours of arrival, I felt like I learned more than I had in a very long time. Randy, the presenter and author of several wonderful books about teaching, lit the spark again. He also confirmed what I am doing in my own personal life on a daily basis...writing.

Even though I write daily to model for my students, I've just recently started daily writing of my thoughts and emotions. Mostly to get it out of my head before it spontaneously combusts. I've struggled with being "okay" with the thoughts that I have, simply because a lot of times they are downright weird and not very pretty. However, every single person in this world has random, not pretty thoughts, and there is something great about being brave enough to get them out and, especially, to share them with others. Perhaps the most important thing he said today about writing was, "Reach back into your memory and accept what occurs to you." So, if I want to entertain the idea of writing about soap, cars, or Dr. Jerk, it's okay, because Randy said so...and he's my new BFF, you know.

I'm glad I kept my commitment today.

Baby-Making Update: My HCG was 12 and Progesterone was .5. I cannot take Provera until my HCG is 0. I will have my blood checked again on Friday and hopefully we can get this train on the right track!

There Are Some Things Money Can't Buy

Progesterone levels below 3 to start Provera: $20 lab fee
Taking Provera for 10 days: $5
Starting a new cycle: $180
Clomid: $90
HSG test (hope for no scar tissue): $200
Checking for mature follicles: $300
Shot for ovulation: $90
Night of Love: FREE
More lab tests: $80
Positive Pregnancy Test: Happiness
More Lab tests: $80
Making it to 12 weeks: Sheer joy
Having a cerclage without complications: Sigh of relief
Defying an incompetent cervix and pre-term labor: Amen!
Having a healthy baby: Priceless

My Babe's genetic tests are normal. After consulting with Dr. V. today, we have decided to continue trying as we have in the past - no IVF for now. I will have my bloodwork done tomorrow to make sure my progesterone is below a level 3. If so, I will start Provera and we will be on the timeline again. I'm terrified.

Need Advice On How To Waste Time?

Let me tell you...I'm the best at it. Lately, I've been reading My Babe's book, The Measure of a Man, by Sidney Poitier. In this autobiography, he talks about asking himself, "What am I doing with my time?" Of course, some of my problems would be solved if I would just drag myself out of bed a little earlier. However, I would still fill that extra time with something completely unbeneficial, I'm sure of it.

Yesterday, after leaving a meeting at 5pm, I proceed to go on a shopping spree that resulted in nothing but tears, frustration, and wasted time. This shopping spree was for the video we are filming in my classroom on Thursday. Four hours later, I was home with nothing to show for it but a ball of nerves and stress. Stress because the clothes I have pre-babies don't fit, but I have no baby to hold. Stress because the clothes I bought post-baby delivery do not fit anymore...mostly because my body becomes very pregnant very fast. Does any of that matter in the grand scheme of life? Does anyone really care if I wear the same pants and shirts over and over again? Does that justify wasting four hours on shopping that results in no purchase? Of course, the answer is obvious, but not to my brain. Instead, I missed my Body Flow class, my opportunity to walk Peanut, my chance to spend time reading my book, and my nightly rituals to unwind before sleep...the things that make for a good night's sleep and keep me from hurting others the next day.
My quest for a nice physical appearance earned me nothing but a foul mood and a lot of wasted time. Maybe I'll remember this again when I ask myself, "What am I doing with my time?"

Canyon of the Eagles

Blessed

There are very few people in the world that can truly say they thoroughly enjoy every minute spent in the company of their coworkers. When I was fortunate enough to be hired at FBE 8 years ago, it was pretty apparent the team I was entering into was nothing but the best. My team has seen me through a great abundance of challenges from marriage, death of my dad, loss of my hair (as funny as it seems now!), divorce, debt, remarriage, and 4 baby losses. Although our team has changed over the years, I have been blessed to be surrounded by a support system that I'm not sure I will ever find again in a work setting.

After our latest baby loss, my sweet team...and our 2 adopted team members (DC and MK)...gave us the most thoughtful gift we could receive - a weekend away from home. A weekend to forget the sadness, loss, stress, and worry. A weekend to reconnect and have fun. Today we are off to Canyon of the Eagles. Other than my team, very few people know how badly I need this. So, thank you from the depths of my heart. Thank you for putting up with the drama that continues to be my life. You are all my daily rock I lean very heavily on.

Rock Hard Shoulders

I'd like to say "Rock Hard Abs," but we all know that would be a big fat lie. I could quite possibly have the knottiest (is that a word?) shoulders that anyone has ever had. They are so bad that it wakes me up at night and that just can't be good. My shoulders hold all the tension in my body and so...they are basically screwed. My headaches are back up to 9's each day and that just can't be good either. My head feels like it weighs 800 lbs., which doesn't really put me in a great mood. But, there is a light at the end of this tunnel! Tomorrow at exactly 10am I will be on a massage table for 30 nice long minutes and then will see the chiropractor who will promptly fix me (or at least he better). So, only one more night of pain, suffering and very rock hard shoulders. I am happy.

Thanks Nat!

I once again have happy toes that are not ashamed to be seen in flip-flops.

Flowers Are Not Required

FYI: I have the best husband in the world.

Double FYI: This is about to get sappy. Deal with it.

I've known my husband for almost 6 years now - married for 3 of those years in June. At first I really thought he was "too good to be true." I looked for flaws in him minute by minute, but they just never came. How is it that he continues to amaze me on a daily basis at his kindness, compassion, strong worth ethic, sincerity, and over all goodness? Sometimes I think he is too good and needs to screw up a little. It would really make me feel better. I worry, on a daily basis, for his safety. That I will be stripped of this life I never imagined I would have with someone. Logic tells me to quit worrying and live in the present. Well, logic has never met me, The Gold Medal Olympic Worrier.

When I came home yesterday, flowers were on the kitchen table. Some girls require flowers on regular occasions, special days, etc. and get all emotional when flowers do not arrive. I experienced my first moment of "getting flowers" in Feb. 2002. And, yes, they were from My Babe. I've never been so shocked in my life because that kind of thing just did not happen to little ol' me. Over the years My Babe has brought me many flowers. I am amazed that he thinks of that because, really, my mind is never on flowers. In fact, maybe I should start thinking about flowers instead of the load of crap I do think about.

What My Babe does not realize is that flowers are not required. I already receive a vase full of flowers on a daily basis. Each time he calls during the day just to check on me, flowers are added to my vase. When he tries his absolute hardest to be home when I am home, more flowers come. When he asks me how my day was and really, really means it, I get flowers. When he tells me "thank you" each and every day, I get flowers. When he listens to my daily rants, rages and insignificant stories, holds me as I sob about the babies, holds my hand in public, visits me at school, attends field trips and class parties (now that is love), puts up with my mood swings, switches out the electric toothbrush head every single time, empties the dishwasher, does the laundry, makes me supper, makes me icecream and popcorn, and tells me that he loves me, I receive flowers. At the end of the day, I have an overflowing vase. And while I have great pain and ache in my heart, that is just a little part. The rest is full of love and happiness...and a whole lot of flowers.

Dinner With My High School Peeps

A Pink Pill Day

Even though it's beautiful, bright, and sunny outside, I can always tell when it is a Pink Pill Day as soon as I open my eyes. Too bad I don't have any! My Babe picked up an extra shift at SBFD so I will see him Tuesday evening. I'm not really sure how I lived when he worked 48 hours shifts for so long. Well, I can tell you...I didn't manage very well. He is the hardest worker I know and thank goodness for that. I have a lot of things to do today to keep me busy - church, the grocery store, etc. but I have zero motivation to do them. If someone called to invite me somewhere, it wouldn't make a hill of beans difference because I have zero motivaion to go anywhere or see anyone. I am forcing myself to take a shower and get to church at 12:30pm. I miss My Babe. It's like someone takes away my right leg when he isn't around. I don't even want a Pumpkin Chipper Muffin. I'm in a funk, I tell you...

Now That's A Beautiful Muffin

Hello...my name is Melissa...and I am addicted to Pumpkin Chipper Muffins.

I eat them night and day. I have a freezer full of them and I can't get enough.

The "chipper" is nothing but chocolate chips. However, pumpkin is good for you, so it counter-balances everything. We won't mention the excessive amounts of butter and sugar. Our relationship started during the last pregnancy and hasn't stopped yet. I wonder just how long we will last.

My name is Melissa...and I am addicted to Pumpkin Chipper Muffins.

A Select Few

We attended a very informative IVF workshop on Wednesday. The embryologist very professionally announces, "And for a select few of you...and I don't mean that in a good way...you will need PDG." Well, call me lucky, but you know we are of the "select few." PDG, or Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis, is when the embryologist selects the best embryos to transfer into my not-so-friendly gut. This is an extra $5,000, but definitely worth the money if we are able to rule out embryos with potential genetic problems. And while we are feeling lucky, Dr. V. says that some women may not even be a candidate for IVF because of the lack of eggs in the ovarian reserve. Women that are genetically wired for early menopause may not have enough eggs left. Well, you know I have to be at risk for that too because otherwise it just wouldn't be fair. My mother went into menopause at 38 right after she had me...it just gets better each day! We'll make an appt. with Dr. V. soon for a consultation where we can ask questions pertinent to our situation.

I'm just not sure whether to keep on this same train and hope we will reach the desired destination at some point, or to wave the white flag and do IVF when we figure out the money situation. Honestly, right now at 10:26pm, I really don't think I'm ready for IVF just yet. At 10:29 I might feel differently, but I do know for sure that I cannot keep losing babies.

Everybody Needs a Mogu

Attention: Rich Folk

Anyone have...oh...uh...$17,000.00 to spare? That's the amount of IVF and PDG (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) which is what the Dr. is recommending next. My Babe knows more than I do about it all, but we are going to set up a consultation to see what the heck fire we should do. I've previously refused to let myself learn much about IVF because, frankly, we cannot afford it. Now that we are staring it in the face, I guess I must learn. The baby's genetic testing came back with results showing Turner Syndrome, a genetic disorder that occurs only in females. So... goodbye to another baby girl, which makes me sad. I am certainly not opposed to IVF, but not too sure I am ready to take that step because...well, must I remind you...it's $17,000! Still waiting on My Babe's test results.

Do You Have Joy?

I was asked this today in response to my blog. This is to be expected as this blog in its entirety smells of sorrow and bitterness. However, those that spend time with me on a daily basis know differently. Let's just say, there are two sides to Melissa. The Melissa that goes out in public, teaches school, laughs and plays with the children, sees parents on a daily basis, rejoices in other people's fortunes, truly cares about other people's children, and interacts with the world in general is the one that smiles...and means it. The Melissa that comes home to an empty house and a mind full of worry, sadness, and unanswered questions is the one that writes this blog. Very few people see this Melissa as she only comes out at night, mostly to herself, and sometimes to Hubby. Since Sad Melissa is nocturnal, even her best friends have no idea she exsists, because most of the time that's just easier. Most have no idea there are two of me, some are just learning, and some probably think I'm schizophrenic. Rightly so, but tread lightly in your judgment. Although I cannot sing joy from the rooftops yet, I will get there. For now, I will write through my emotions as twisted as they are and maybe even laugh a little, because good gracious...if I don't, I'll become even more psycho!

Love, Spontaneous Aborter

While looking through my paperwork from the latest loss, I see this great title for what I am now considered: A Spontaneous Aborter. You see, I have this button that causes me tons of giggles each time I push it. The button spontaneously aborts any little being (human or alien) that tries to make a home for itself inside my body. I'm not really sure how I acquired this button, but I feel quite blessed. I'm fairly confident that my body is screwed up. It's like all the cells have regular conversations with each other to plan what is going to happpen next.

Cell 1: Hey, remember when she was diagnosed with PCOS and now she has a 1% chance of getting pregnant with out medication?
Cell 2: Yeah, that was cool.

Cell 1: Oh, and remember how each time she does happen to get pregnant, she feels like projectile vomiting at any given moment, she's dizzy, and she wants to slit her wrist?
Cell 2: Yeah, and how she has to teach school with a smile on her face, hiding the vomit look?

Cell 1: Or how she threw up spaghetti noodles out of her nose?
Cell 2: Oh, that was awesome! And then we gave her an incompetent cervix!

Cell 1: Wasn't it a riot when she had to put cabbage leaves on her boobs to dry up the milk since her body thought she had 2 healthy babies to feed?
Cell 2: Gosh, that sure was stinky, but funny!

Cell 1: The coolest time was when she almost bled out in the public library from passing ginormous clots!
Cell 2: Oh, that was so embarassing, but totally worth it!

Cell 1: And don't you remember when she got pregnant the second time, we gave her a Molar Pregnancy!
Cell 2: Yeah, and she had to get blood drawn every single week for six months to make sure she wasn't developing cancer! Good times, I tell you. Good times...

Cell 1: Hey! Let's spontaneously abort anything that starts to live inside her body!
Cell 2: Yeah...that would be a hoot! I'll go tell the others!

Such is life...another diagnosis to swallow. Maybe next time I'll go for an even cooler title!

Love,
Spontaneous Aborter

It's Safe to Say...We Have No Idea What We're Doing

Will The Farm make it through the April cold front of 2007?

Psycho...Party of One...Your Table Is Now Available

How do normal people respond when their spouse interprets something they have said the wrong way? I don't even know because it's never happened to me and I am far from normal. A long time ago (we all know when), I would have raged into a fit. Now, I restrain myself a little bit, but still don't handle things appropriately. Why must I ruin a night just because I can't bring myself back to reality, give up the pride and call a truce? Round and round we go in this life called "I Need Medication!" Simple it would be to call the doctor and start Happy Pills again, but not so simple is it to stop when we are cleared for baby time again. I can't decide if it is worth it for just a few months. Excuses sure don't help, or clear me of the right to act this way, but it sure is hard to cope sometimes lately. Nights are the hardest when I should be busy with 2 one year olds running around and trashing this place. For now, I just pass an empty room with a tightly closed door. A room that I sometimes go into just to see if it actually exsists. I don't stay long - maybe a couple of minutes, and then I am left to fill my time with Tivo, magazines, and yes...internet. Most people would say they can only dream about having that much time on their hands, but those people don't know the ache that goes along with it. Does this have anything to do with how I handle situations? Yes and no. I've always been a raging lunatic, but now I am a more mature raging lunatic with a mind that refuses to read the memo to turn off. A mind that takes every tiny situation, blows it into epic porportions, and somehow brings it all back to the injustice of infertility and how I've been wronged. I'll even bring a tither about cooking or the remote control back to infertility if need be! My anger stems from sadness, hurt, rejection, pain, and has nothing and everything to do with most situations I encounter on a daily basis. Oh, and I'm also just down right stubborn, controlling and bratty to top it off. Does all of this add up to success and happiness? Let's just say, keep that answer to yourself.

It's A Boy!

That's what they say to my parents during the amniocentesis while my mother was pregnant with me. Extreme measures were taken when I was born a girl...pulling my diaper down in the nursery to show family members who didn't believe the news. Doctors were worried and genetic testing was performed - everything checking out normal. I've often wondered if this is the answer to all my troubles. Does this explain my violent rages that occur 1.3 seconds after something happens that angers me? Does this explain my neurotic and extremely weird brain that needs to be on medication constantly? Is this why I have PCOS which causes higher levels of male hormones than female? Does this explain my detest for dresses, Barbies and My Little Pony when I was younger? Could this be the reason for my love of G.I. Joe, playing army, the FBI, Hot Wheels, Tonka trucks and now Tahoes? And for my wish to birth all boys until a couple of years ago? My love of gray and detest for pink until age 23?

The short answer is...no. My chromosome analysis came back yesterday - normal female. Ha, if they only knew.

Still waiting on results for hubby and baby...

My Dog is Cuter Than Your Kid

Big Boys and Early Girls

We are officially farmers. Along with Big Boy and Early Girl tomatos, we have squash, zucchini, cucumbers and peppers. Too late for onions...big fat bummer since we use those by the boatload. Our herbs didn't really survive the storms, so we aren't too great at farming yet.

No April Fool's

This time, I'm serious. After stalking other blogs at least once a day, I have decided to keep up this one. I might even tell some people and give out the address. I mean, let's be crazy!

For my first "new" post, I have decided to start monthly resolutions. Nobody keeps the yearly ones, so we'll see just how much I can fail at monthly ones!

April Resolutions

1. I will walk Peanut at least once a day. Rainy days don't count...it's April, people.
2. I will begin Body Flow, Body Pump, biking or swimming again at least twice a week.
3. I will strengthen my legs in order to begin running again.
4. I will practice debt control.
5. I will take at least one picture a day of things I am thankful for, or things that are just down right cool.
6. I will blog at least once every 2 days.
7. I will cook supper at least 5 nights a week. Well, let's say on nights when hubby is home.
8. I will read every evening before bed.
9. I will limit computer time to 15 minutes per evening. Oh, let's be serious...45 minutes.
10. I will quit vowing to slap the next woman that walks by me that is pregnant.